Date: 01 Nov 2011 03:37
Topic: Another Halloween Entry
Modified: 01 Nov 2011 04:17

So today is actually Halloween. Not yesterday. Anyway, this blog is not about Halloween. I’m just using that as a jumping point for writing. 

Several weeks ago, CJ and I discussed the possibility of my joining the Brooklyn Conservatory, to study music part time again. I chose to join, and she was really excited to see me return to something I’d loved very much when I was younger. 

At the time, my justification for taking this on, was to examine the emotions I felt around it. To return to this period of my history, to try to understand the choices I made around it. To find a way to resolve it. But the truth is, I’m already resolved about it. And every time I go back, I am tempted to treat it anew. To commit myself freshly to something I gave up decades ago. To believe there is still life to be breathed into this corpse. All I’m doing is creating a zombie. A walking dead. A beast that has animation, but no life. A homunculus. Acting out the passion, but not really feeling it. 

The more of these rehearsals I attend, the more resistance I feel toward them. The more enmeshed I get in the group, the less and less I want to be a part of it. I keep picking a fight with the nature of the music - the religious content, and the manic abject slobbering praise of a sadistic god that tortured the people who were forced to listen to this music. All of that is true. All of that is horrible. But it’s not the core of what’s going on here. At least, I don’t think it is. 

More later. Lots more. I’ve only begun to scratch the surface. Maybe some day, it will be something I can share. Not right now.